I just can’t forget it when it’s sitting right in front of me. Yes I’m chewing my gum and they’re sitting right in front of me. Chew faster., Grind your teeth. Bite your nails. Think of it in between your fingers. Imagine the smoke. Smell it in the air.
Then light one.
I get drunk only to say the things that I wish to say when sober.
With sobriety comes responsibility, and I don’t want to be responsible for the silence that follows the stream of love that will flow out of my mouth and onto the floor.
I don’t want to remember how you watch me try and clean the permanent stains my words have left on the carpet of your mind.
And so I drink, and I love you.
Have you ever wanted to push a pen against your skin
without the consequences of a mark?
To feel it glide across the inside of your wrists, your hands…
Doing everything it isn’t supposed to.
But our skin is so vulnerable to stains,
it would only succumb to the black ink;
and everyone would see the mess
you have made.
I cannot see past
Like another battle
I don’t have the energy
Leave and see what the rest of the world has to offer you.
Move to a city that feels like another country, even if it’s in the same state.
Face the people who point out your differences with their eyes.
Discover living in a world where timing is everything, especially during rush hours.
Make an amount of money that seemed out of reach before.
Realize that said money isn’t even enough to pay an electricity bill.
Feel lonely in a room full of people because no one smiles at strangers.
Figure out that diversity doesn’t mean acceptance.
Experience suburban claustrophobia.
Dream about the beauty you grew up ignoring.
Go home and remember you were lucky.
(Here’s a poem that reflects my consistent internal dialogue!)
I can’t tell you what I feel like because
Even I don’t know what I feel like;
It’s more of a mess of colors like,
Blues and reds
With hints of green,
But only because your eyes are green,
And this is coming off kind of strong but
Did you know you say all the right things sometimes?
But all the wrong things the other times,
And although you don’t always listen,
When you do listen,
And that means more than you know,
Or I know
Or they know—
Look I don’t know how to end this
Or stupid run on sentence,
Just like I don’t know how to tell you
“I love you” or
that I’m lost when you’re absent.
Describe the way time felt without them. Explain the feeling of having lived in quicksand; the mud you swam in, the continual heaviness in your bones. What freed you?
From: Me, in the middle of the Pride Parade
June 10, 2017
It hurt me to know that
There was more love for you
Amongst thousands of strangers
Than in your own home.
I wanted to cry when I saw
Families proclaim their pride
For their sons and daughters,
Because it’s what you deserved.
I’m sorry I can’t change your family’s mind;
They don’t know what they’re missing.
I love how strong men cry
when they are no longer strong.
When their lives are on the line,
do you really think they care
about their beliefs?
About the hate they preached?
It was just a game anyhow,
they never really cared about
the People they promised they
Only the ways in which these
where their compassion should lie;
living where their heart should be.
At the end of the day,
we are nothing,
besides tools for their victories.
I know I’m still in love with you because I won’t stop thinking about the seeds of happiness you planted in the corners of my mouth. These seeds turned to flowers that kept my smile pinned to my ears.
Their stems whispered all the ways I was special to you when I wasn’t feeling so lovable.
Their blooms often smelled like you and it made me feel less lonely on the nights you were away.
Bees would often see me and say how lucky I was to have you.
The sun would shine brighter when I walked outside because you were around.
Even the rain made me smile because you said we always needed it.
I am not bitter you have moved on and my flowers are gone, because I will never stop growing.